Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in blckrose79's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
10:22 am	New Stuff I got a job.. I got a job.. ::happy dance:: and it's a good job, at least for me. I'm a sales associate at Joseph A. Banks, a very high quality men's store. It's great. I get to provide very high levels of customer service, low pressure sales, and if i don't make a sale, it's not the end of the world. And since i'm working with men, as opposed to insane women, they tend to either know what they want or be more then willing to take suggestions, both of which make my life easier. They are really reasonable about the hours too, no more then two evenings a week, some weekends, and they are willing to let me have say in which evenings i work so i can be with Kat. Life is good. I'm a little scared about going back to work full-time. I haven't done this in a looonnnggg time. I figure it'll take some getting used to,but if everyone else can do it, i should be able to. I'll have time off during the week so I can schedule doctors appointments and errands. It's really quite nice. We'll see how things go as time goes on. I hope I dont' burn out. Current Mood: energetic (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 25th, 2006
10:03 am	in love I am in love with San Francisco. Absolutely and totally in love. If anyone is going there let me know and i'll come with. I miss the city life and the bustle. San Fran is so relaxed but still so much a city. it's sunny and beautiful and full of culture. the landscaping is amazing and it's so clean. I could easily live there. I spent 4 hours in China town looking for a dress and bought a beautiful navy blue one. Went to Japan town and got amazing sushi. Met incrediable people, actually heard a couple speaking argentinian spanish. really pretty language. Saw the Seals at Peir 39. Went shopping at the alcatraz store. Got great presents for people. Saw the Pacifc Ocean and the Redwood forest. It was a fantastic trip. Can't wait to go back there. Current Mood: content (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 25th, 2006
12:09 am	I"ve been doing alot of thinking recently. i think overall it's been good for me. I've been feeling really insecure as of late and i've let it affect some of the people i really care about. I need to work on my self esteem and self confidence as well as getting rid of grudges. It's not something i'm particullarly good at. When someone wrongs me i tend to hold it agianst them. This really isn't fair of me. I want other people to forgive me, which means i should forgive them. When you've been programmed from a young age to hold grudges, it's really hard not to. I'm working on it. Eventually I hope i can get it right. I'm going to be starting belly dancing next week. I think this will be real good for me. I wanted to start this week, but class got cancelled. It's a meditative class with focus on inner understanding as well as the outer body. I think this will be good for me on a number of levels. It'll help me refocus on my body and get back into shape which i haven't done since the accident. It'll help me focus on my spirit which will be real good for me. I think i need that refocus. Maybe i can start getting my head on straight Current Mood: introspective (Comment on this)
Friday, April 7th, 2006
9:04 am	time.... I've been trying to document the hours of my days recently to figure out where my time goes. I realized how much time i spend driving everywhere and waiting on other people to do something. If i had a teleportation machine i could eliminate like 20 hours of stuff during the week. That would be like great. Maybe then I'd actually get enough sleep. Then again, knowing me, I'd probably just find something else to do with the time. I want a teleportation machine!! Current Mood: irritated (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 17th, 2006
1:30 pm	Update - PT Finished Physical therapy today. According to the therapist, i'm at 75% normal capacity and at this point I need to start the long process of reconditioning. i need to restretch all of my muscles and bring them back up to snuff. While I got off easily physically, it has taken a toll on my psychology. Not being able to fight has really affected me. Not only fighting, but i haven't been able to do anything. I'm only just starting to get to the point where i can demonstrate again. Going up stairs was painful for the longest time. I couldn't stretch, couldn't dance, couldn't do anything that relaxes me in that way. I'm still on restricted status, need to take it easy. I will because I don't want to be injured anymore then i am, but I don't like it. I've been thinking about the crash recently. I've come to realize that the one thing that will bring me into shock like nothing else is shattered safety glass. Just the site of it causes the beginning of the process. Being in the accident was incrediablly traumatic for me. I know that I got off really easy and was lucky to be in the van at the time. Every other accident i've seen that has had that much shattered glass has resulted in a fatality. I figured out where the relation between glass and death comes from. What I really remember from my cousin's accident is seeing the car all crushed up and being able to see through the front windshield. I remember seeing a baseball cap on the passanger seat about where the head would be. I dont specifically remember seeing the shattered glass, but I remember the lack of a windsheild. I think I filled in the glass detail myself. Maybe it's not the glass that bothers me, but rather looking through a window that's not there. I'm not really sure how to express the feeling of despair I feel when I think of that. Glass is just a symbol for the lose. Shattered glass, shattered life. Missing window, missing person. They say that talking about this kind of thing is the first and best step to overcoming PTSD. I've been in accidents before and they have never affected me life this one has. It's shaken me to an extent I can't describe. I dont' like talking about these things because it feels like people will think i'm trying to creat sympathy or draw attention to myself. How do you explain that you just need to talk about something, that the need is real and intense. It's what is defining a part of you right now and you need to share. You need to talk it through over and over because you relive it over and over in your head if you don't. How else do you make sense of it? Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 16th, 2006
2:46 pm	sigh.. Have decided I hate techonology. I'm going back to the stone age.. My computer hates me. It keeps teasing me.. literally.. it will connect to the internet for about10 seconds, just long enough for me to think I've fixed it and then it'll stop connecting again. It's been doing this for an hour. I've run Spybot and now i'm running virus check. I'm currently using Jordan's computer. If anyone knows any strange rituals to make computers work.. let me know. Current Mood: frustrated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
2:31 pm	confidence Teaching my sword fighting class has caused me to contemplate the idea of what confidence is and how it affects us. It's an elusive concept when you're inside it. I'm more on the way to identifing what it is not then what it is. What I've decided so far, it's not fear nor is it the absence of fear. Rather it is the faith in one's ability to overcome the obstacle in spite of your fear. When faced with a challenge, the knowledge that you have the skills to attempt it and the belief that those skiills will get you through. It is not that you cannot fail, but rather, if you fail it is not because you didn't try. When you believe you cannot fail, then you get cocky and chance of failure goes up. Nor is it the fear of failure. Failure is a learning step, one does not fail if they learn. When you are confident, you see the chance to improve in everything, in every situation. There is always more to learn. Confidence is what allows us to move forward and not be stopped by our own doubts. Getting to the point of confidence is difficult because in order to get there you must overcome your own doubts. You have to buckle down enough to acknowledge your skill in an area and not let the fear stop you. You also have to apply yourself enough to acquire the skills that you want to be confident in and not let minor setbacks stop you. Confidence is also knowing your own limitations, realistically. Sometimes you just have to sit down, shut up, and do it, even when you don't think you can. How do you teach confidence? Tell them over and over they can do, encourage them to try, support them when they fail, and convince them to try again. Make a deal about thier achievements, particullary when it is only their own mental roadblocks that have stopped them to that point. Make sure they know their current limitations, but don't make a big deal of it. Always push them father then they think they can go, but don't push them to far. It's a fine line. What do we lack the confidence to do that we have the skills to? Current Mood: contemplative (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 16th, 2005
4:13 pm	Stabbity Con and the Battlefields went to Sword Fest this weekend. It was much smaller then I had imagined. I think it went pretty well overall. I discovered I like the look of the Chinese straight sword alot and want a steel fan very very badly. I did not like the other Japanese styles of fighting. They were nice and everything, but definately not for me. To structured and not pretty enough for my tastes. We went to a Chinese buffet on Saturday night that was really good. The seafood in that area was wonderful. We were very close to the Chesapeke Bay and it was sooo fresh. I want to go back and get more. We had crab legs that tasted so good on thier own, they didn't need butter or anything at all. We went to Valley Forge, Gettysburg, and Antietem as well. They were boring in my opinion. i'M just not a battlefields person. I'm not really all that interested in old battles and that kind of thing. The areas just seemed like open fields, I had a real hard time imagining what had happened and that kind of thing. Next time, I'm just havnig people drop me off at the nearest mall and they can pick me up when they are done. I mean, I slept half way through Gettysburg. I was bored after about the first hour. Kat was really into the battlefields though. She paid attention and was able to ask intellegent questions and tell you about what she thought and learned. I'm glad she had fun, but they are definately not my thing. Overall, this was not my idea of a fun weekend. I don't like traveling like this, rushing from one place to another, not taking care of basic needs. I go on vacation to relax and enjoy myself. I want to see things, but I like a more relaxed pace. I don't like being rushed or going to places when they are closed. I like to visit the shops and see things. I like learning about the culture of places, not the battles that were fought there. I'd like to learn about life in the field and what it was like and people's different roles, not look at terrain that only kind of looks like it did back then. I'm more of a cruise person myself. Nothing to do all day but relax. That's the life for me. All you can eat whenever you wnat it. Sleep wneh you want. Shows, activities, etc. That makes me happy. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
4:01 pm	Fustration Why is it just when anything seems to be goign well, something happens to ruin it? Kat and I had been having a good day and I went to help her clean her room and found she had shoved everything under her bed as opposed to putting it away. What is she thinking? I dont know what to do. On a different note. So far I've been able to keep up with the house pretty well. I'm trying really hard to keep the house clean now. It makes me happy to have a clean house. It's not easy. I feel like I'm cleaning all the time right now. Supposedly, it will get easier as I get used to it. Kat is driving me crazy in this regard, I can't seem to get her to clean up herself. Kat is on summer vacation right now. we're goign to be together alot. I'm just glad there are children her age in the neighborhood so that I can send her over when I need a break. I'm trying to be more patient with her. It's not easy some times. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
10:21 pm	Current state of depression - on the upswing Have you ever wondered if your going insane? What defines insanity? Is it your thoughts alone or a combination of thoughts and actions? I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel like i'm going insane. I often wonder what insanity feels like. Is it this pressure that I feel in my head or something more? Do you even know when your insane? My depression seems to be on an upswing again, thank god. I got fustrated today trying to fix the leak in the plumbing, but I didn't totally lose it. I just got fustrated. I was able to calm myself down enough to figure out a way around the problem until I can call a plumber. Until recentely, if I got this fustrated I would have totally lost it. I mean totally, not able to function, lose it. I'm eating again, which is good, though I'm sleeping alot, but that seems more like sleep depervation then depression. I cleaned my house in preperation for my mother in law coming to visit last Friday and have managed to keep it clean since then. It's not always easy. I seem to be cleaning all the time right now. Pick up this, put that away. I'm really trying to keep things neat around here. 8 weeks and it forms a habit. I'm really hoping to make it. It's not going to be easy but I think I can do it. Sometimes I try and figure out how to explain to people what the depression feels like. It's kinda like a pressure in my head that supresses what I can do and pushes against the inside of my head. It's these thoughts that just won't go away, all the times I've ever messed up or things I feel guilty about come forward and repeat over and over again in my head. It's like I'm hearing voices in my head that I can't control, but it's my voices. I'm not hungry. I don't eat. i just don't think about it. I sleep all the time. I'm just exhausted, getting out of bed is so hard it doesn't seem worth it. I have to force myself to get out of bed and it took alot to make me do that. I can';t stand it when I feel like that. I'm not sad like alot of people think, I don't want to see people. I dont' want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I just want to sleep. Overall I'm feeling better and I'm very glad about it. The TMS and the Effexor seem to be working. I'm very happy with the results. I'm functioning again and I'm beginning to discover who I am again. through I've noticed I'm more introverted then I've ever been and honestly, I' m ok with it. I've begun to like to spend time by myself and not worry about other people. I don't have to worry about as much and it's very peaceful. It makes me happy and calm. I can just be myself and not worry. Yeah, I guess you can say the depression changed me, I'm becoming happy with myself Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)